How To Express Your Desires During Sex
You’re in bed with your partner’s head between your legs, and you’re not exactly giddy. Your clitoris is an inch higher than where they’re lapping away. You might think this will never happen. Just wait until they’re bored, or…? Should I say anything? Diagram?
This mental back and forth may be unnecessary if you’re used to requesting things in bed. Accept my virtual applause. But if you’re not there yet, that’s fine. What do you want when your partner asks? Or maybe they haven’t asked, but you know you have to speak up if you want sex. You’re in good company.
Every day, I get emails from people who want something specific in bed but don’t know how to ask for it. A partner’s ego or being vulnerable can be crippling fears.
Telling your partner how you feel is sometimes just as good—or even better—than asking for something specific.
To be more specific, you can say, “I want to feel more wanted than ever.” Clients frequently tell me that this strategy has improved their sleep. Why is this simple approach so effective?
Your needs can be more easily expressed.
“Hey, this isn’t working for me,” or “a little to the left,” can be intimidating. Expressing your feelings may be an easier way in.
Our sexual desires shame many people. It’s scarier than bungee jumping—naked—to ask your partner to get rough. Talking about how you want to feel can be a good way to communicate your needs.
It is also useful if you’re fine with being direct in theory but worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Our sexuality often encases our egos. It’s important to be gentle with our partners so everyone has a good time. On both sides,
To be clear, the goal here isn’t to be vague about what you want to spare someone’s ego. As long as it’s consensual, you’re free to enjoy yourself during sex. The point is that expressing how you want to feel can help, but context is key. If you know the only way to get what you want is to be blunt, go for it.
Discussing your feelings and being direct about your sexual needs are not mutually exclusive! You can inform your partner of your desired vibe and then give them a road map to get there. Also, if you want to try something like anal sex or face slapping, you’ll need to be very clear about consent, boundaries, and safety. But looping in the topic of the feelings can still help.
It can overcome sexual ignorance.
Many of us lack the vocabulary to express our desires in bed. To Express Your Desires During Sex, asking for specific sexual techniques is often at odds with this.
Given the lack of sex education in this country, many of us are in this position. We’re lucky if we learn how to put a condom on a banana in health class. Most people view sex as an embarrassment that should be avoided. Many of us learned how to orgasm by accident. (I still adore my old showerhead.)
When we’re unsure (or afraid) of what we need to feel good, it’s easier to describe feelings than actions. But if you’re unsure about your body, don’t just describe how you want to feel and hope for the best. Consider brushing up on anatomy or masturbating more to learn what you like. On to my next point.
It can aid sexual exploration.
Before you can tell your partner how you feel, you must first feel it. Not only that, you must learn to accept your desires.
So think about it: What do you want from sex? How could your partner help you? How?
This kind of thinking encourages self-experimentation. Bringing up sexual feelings with your partner opens it even more. When you tell your partner how you want to feel, you reveal your sexual desires. This may pique your partner’s interest, prompting them to ask, “How do I do that?” Making your desires known can inspire hope and possibility. It broadens your sexual horizons.
Ask your partner what they want.
To Express Your Desires During Sex, talking about how each of you wants to feel can improve sexual communication. Though strange at first, I highly recommend it. Making this a regular conversation can help you understand your body, move past shame, and have the sex life you want.