While there are no valid scientific studies on how to alter the taste of your vagina, this does not preclude speculation. The rumors abound: Does garlic impart an odd flavor? What about asparagus, the most well-known pee odor modifier? Furthermore, does pineapple truly sweeten the pot?
To be clear, your vagina smells and tastes perfectly normal as long as you’re healthy. It is not intended to smell or taste like roses. Only when it smells “fishy” or otherwise unpleasant should you be concerned, as this may indicate bacterial vaginosis, trichomoniasis, or another health problem. (If this occurs, consult your gynecologist.) Women should smell like women—slightly salty, slightly sweet, but always with our own distinct, unmistakable aroma.
Nonetheless, many women obsess over the appearance, feel, and smell of their private parts. Even comedian Amy Schumer has made reference to the subject. Amy Schumer performed a skit about “Yo-Puss,” a magical (fictional) yogurt that “makes your pussy taste like nothing” in an April segment of Inside Amy Schumer.
Clearly, this is a contentious issue, and so I decided to delve into it.
I embarked on a two-week culinary cunnilingus adventure, accompanied by my two-and-a-half-month-old boyfriend (let’s call him John). I gorged on four foods—and one remarkable tablet; more on that later—that were rumored to alter the taste and/or smell of the vagina, then had John descend on me to test each one. Naturally, this is all for the sake of science. (While we’re at it, a word about the experiment: No, we did not employ rigorous scientific methods, and yes, my boyfriend was aware of which foods I consumed, which may have swayed his judgment.)
My quest to determine whether the foods you eat can truly alter the taste and smell of your vagina was not motivated by a desire to make vaginas more acceptable in their current state—again, there is no reason for healthy women to alter the taste or smell down there. It was more about ascertaining the veracity of all this vaginal hearsay. What I discovered is as follows.
As an unexpected side effect, pineapple rendered my vagina tasteless.
Prior to conducting my first taste test, I spoke with Jen Gunter, M.D., a gynecologist and author based in San Francisco, and asked her if there was any reason to believe pineapple would work. “The urban myth is that pineapple can alter the odor of the vaginal canal, but there are no studies to support this and no science to back it up,” Gunter tells SELF.
Acknowledged. However, I consumed a pound of pineapple chunks and six ounces of pineapple juice in order to ascertain the answer on my own. I waited two hours, hoping that would be sufficient time for it to penetrate my skin, and then invited my boyfriend over for some playtime.
I was anticipating results as his tongue furiously performed the ABCs (my favorite oldie-but-goodie technique for clitoral stimulation).
“How do I taste?” I inquired, somewhat ruining the mood.
John mumbled something that I was unable to decipher.
“Do I have a sweet taste?”
He regained his composure for a brief moment to say, “Uh, no…”
“Does it have a pineapple aroma? Inhale deeply! Truly enter and smell it! “
While barking orders in bed is not the most attractive way to conduct an experiment, I was on a mission…and a deadline.
As the trooper he is, John returned to the ground, obeyed my commands, popped back up, and responded, “Do you taste and smell the same?” He stated that I tasted and smelled like “nothing” after further prodding.
We moved on to a more flavorful selection, determined to find something that would make me taste like something.
Garlic was another dud.
I was so hopeful. According to Gunter, garlic-derived metabolites have been shown to alter the odor of breast milk, which is likely the same reason why some people smell differently after eating garlic.
John and I went to a small Italian bistro and requested that the waitress increase the garlic in all of our dishes by a factor of two. On the garlic bread, penne checca (penne pasta, tomato, garlic, and basil), and pan-fried garlic and parsley potatoes, we could see the garlic chunks. We could also smell it immediately on our hands.
After dictatorially conducting the pineapple experiment, I decided to take a different approach and make this taste test more enjoyable. I gave John a little striptease after eating and decided to taste test him first. He had no garlic flavor, and neither did his sperm. I didn’t either. The following morning, we repeated the test and found no difference. “You continue to taste nothing,” he stated. “Are you serious?” I inquired. “Indeed, nothing.”
Mberry tablets imparted an aroma of “candy, summer, and paradise” on me.
Given that the food taste test was failing to produce exceptional results, we decided to try these Mberry “miracle fruit tablets” that claim to “transform ordinary foods into the extraordinary.” One tablet dissolves on the tongue and, thanks to a taste-modifying molecule called miraculin, any sour foods consumed become sweet.
Before we tried it on my V, we tested it first with a lemon and a glass of wine to ensure that it worked. It was! It turned the lemonade into a sickeningly sweet fruity dessert wine, and my dry and oaky cabernet sauvignon into a sickeningly sweet fruity dessert wine.
What’s next on the agenda? “Vagina! After a twenty-minute walk home from the wine bar, John popped another Mberry, waited for it to completely dissolve, and then snuck up on me. Within a few minutes, he paused and said, “This is insane. You have the flavor of SweeTARTS. It’s similar to candy. It has a summery feel. It’s almost paradisiacal! Normally, after a long walk, you’d have a salty taste in your mouth. This is insane!” ** Formalized paraphrase
Asparagus, on the other hand, apparently made me taste “really green.”
Given that asparagus has been shown to cause smelly urine, how could it not have the same effect on your vag? Indeed, it does. I consumed ten ounces of steamed asparagus sprinkled with cracked pepper and lemon juice, and twenty minutes later, we collapsed onto the sheets. John declared within a minute of investigation, “You taste extremely green…extremely, extremely green. It’s similar to a cross between asparagus and grass. It’s not particularly pleasurable, “‘He stated.
Curry, likewise, made me “funky.”
Curry, like garlic, appears to adhere to your skin when cooked or eaten. As I consumed approximately a cup and a half of mixed vegetable curry and chana saagwala (spinach, garbanzo beans, and curry spices), I discovered that this was oh so true. However, John did not smell or taste it in my vagina that night.
When we returned the following morning for round two, the curry had left my cooch quite fragrant. “It is not ideal, but it is bearable. It’s a little strange. There is definitely a whiff of curry, and curry is not a particularly pleasant smell, nor does it taste particularly salty.” “Salty isn’t bad,” he continued, “it’s just a stronger smell.”
The experiment was thus concluded. While I did learn which foods will and will not alter the taste of my vagina, I also gained a better understanding of my relationship.
Occasionally, especially in the early stages of a relationship — especially since we’ve only been dating for a few months — there are a lot of wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am quickies. This can be exciting, but it can also mean you don’t savor each other fully. This experiment taught us to move slowly, to explore each other more purposefully, and to talk about sex. Even if every food tasted like “nothing,” it would have been worth it.
Ultimately, John stated, “I don’t care how you smell or taste.” And that is exactly how it should be, because anyone who has an issue with the natural odor or taste of a vagina should be denied access to vaginas. Following this experience, I can confidently state that John is not only a trooper, but also a keeper.