I was unaware that something was wrong until my best friend and I began discussing sleep among a mountain of midterm study notes.
“I probably have a nightmare once a month, if that,” he admitted, oblivious to the fact that this admission would nearly destroy my brain. It was our senior year of college, and like everyone else, we subscribed to the hustle culture way of life, proudly displaying our exhaustion and overcommitted schedules. While I was unaware at the time, I was motivated not only by ambition, but also by my growing fear of falling asleep.
My uncle was murdered the spring before I left for college by a jealous ex-boyfriend of the woman he was seeing at the time. The trauma of the experience, as well as witnessing the devastation ripple through my family for over six years while we waited for his case to go to trial, altered everything about who I was and how I interacted with the world. Despite my increasing anxiety and desire to fill every minute of my day with something, anything, to keep myself occupied, I believed I was fine at the time. True, this was the worst event of my life, but I was moving forward, attempting to stuff the emotions surrounding his death into the darkest, most remote corner of my mental closet. Without giving my body and mind time to process this experience during my waking hours, I left it with no choice but to take it into my dreams.
My most frequent dream begins in darkness. My vision is blurred, making it difficult to discern what is close and what is far away. I’m stumbling forward, hands outstretched, grasping for balance, aware that a man is following me and intends to murder me. I never see his face; he is more of a shadow stalking me as I stumble forward, never looking back. I scream in my head to awaken—I convince myself that this is a dream—but I am immobile. I am unable to breathe. As he closes in, I feel as if I’m drowning. I came to my senses, gasping for air. And when I finally doze off, I’m back in the dark.
For the six years following my uncle’s murder, I had this nightmare nearly every night, sometimes multiple times a night. I gradually came to believe that this was something I would have to contend with for the remainder of my years. Some people suffered from allergies, while I suffered from chronic nightmares. As the years passed, I began to feel guilty for claiming that this could be connected to my uncle’s death. After all, if the rest of the world had progressed, why couldn’t I? And, while well-intentioned, sleep advice from others frequently made me feel worse. “You should get more sleep,” they’d say, while also emphasizing the harm I was doing to my body by sleeping too little. I wish I could sleep more, I’d think, but why would I want to increase my participation in an activity that was causing me so much pain?
As a result, I continued down the path I was familiar with, which was alarmingly easy in a society that values achievement and productivity. I worked longer hours than a brain should and despised the fact that sleep was an essential component of the human experience. I experimented with various potential remedies—yoga, journaling, and long walks—but a plant cannot be kept healthy by simply watering its leaves.
I hit a brick wall at the age of 26, two years after that initial red flag in the conversation with my best friend. It was a daily catch-22, with my chronic nightmares exacerbating my anxiety, which caused me to lie in bed stressing about the upcoming nightmares. Finally, understanding how trauma affected my body was critical in assisting me in healing my relationship with sleep.
The impact of trauma on the body and on sleep
What I now understand is that trauma healing is not a linear process. Additionally, it is not a destination, but rather an ongoing process of self-care and addressing the effects of your experience. And sleep is a critical component of this process.
Sleep is critical for everyone, but especially trauma survivors, because it aids in the body’s processing and rejuvenation.
Sleep is critical, particularly good-quality sleep, “Menlo Park Psychiatry and Sleep Medicine founder Alex Dimitriu, M.D. “While we sleep, we process and store memories and emotions. If trauma or anxiety is interfering with sleep, it is critical to seek assistance. “
Trauma can have a variety of effects on sleep. When you are traumatized, your body produces a flood of stress hormones, including cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine. These hormones stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, preparing it for a state of fight, flight, or freeze. This includes an increase in heart rate and breathing rate, as well as enhanced senses.
“Ideally, once the threat has passed, the body returns to its functional baseline,” Shena Young3, Psy.D, founder of Embodied Truth Healing & Psychological Services and a licensed body-centered and holistic psychologist. “However, the impact of trauma can be long-lasting, with cortisol levels remaining elevated and the nervous system in overdrive,” explains Dr. Young, who is also a certified yoga teacher.
This state of hyperarousal makes it difficult for trauma survivors to rest and maintain a connection with their bodies, which may be triggered long after the threat has passed. Additionally, it increases their risk of developing anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and sleep disorders.
These sleep disturbances can manifest themselves in a variety of ways, including recurring nightmares, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, panic attacks, flashbacks, or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep behavior disorder, which occurs when a person acts out their dreams.
When you’ve developed an aversion to your own REM cycle, how do you begin to mend your relationship with sleep? It’s perplexing. Listed below are additional steps I took during my waking hours that eventually began to change the tide.
1. Gain a better understanding of your body’s current responses and reactions.
As the adage goes, knowledge is power, and this is especially true when it comes to learning more about one’s own body. “If you have difficulty sleeping or resting, please know that you are not alone,” Zahabiyah Yamasaki5, M.Ed, founder and executive director of Transcending Sexual Trauma Through Yoga and soon-to-be-published author. “Recovering from trauma can take a lifetime. The effects of trauma can linger in the body for months or even years after an assault occurs, “adds Yamasaki, who is also a certified yoga instructor. “Survivors may struggle with sleep because it does not feel safe for so many. Having psychoeducation about our experiences and an understanding of the neurobiology of trauma can occasionally be extremely affirming.”
For me, learning all of the above about my body’s experiences and being able to name them was the catalyst for the rest of my journey. It gave me the courage to seek therapy and to confront numerous internalized victim-blaming voices that had spent years convincing me I was being dramatic. Before I could begin pursuing a solution, I needed to comprehend and articulate the problem. As a result, I dug, researched, read, and listened. Understanding why my body reacted in certain ways removed the fear and randomness associated with being triggered and replaced it with an increasing sense of calm and control as I learned how to truly advocate for myself.
Books like The Body Keeps Score6 and Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others7, which lay out the landscape of how trauma affects the body, brain, and habits, as well as Instagram accounts like Transcending Trauma With Yoga8 and The Breathe Network9, which foster community among those going through similar experiences, are highly recommended.
2. Experiment with various forms of meditation.
Each expert I interviewed for this piece emphasized the importance of having a meditation routine on hand as a tool that can be accessed at any time of day or night. Concentrating on your breath and following a guided meditation can help alleviate anxiety following a nightmare, relax a tense body due to insomnia, or provide a safe space for processing an overwhelming emotion or flashback during a panic attack.
Slowing my breathing after a nightmare was a lifesaver for me during the height of my anxiety. While I initially used my app only in an emergency, I’ve since integrated it into my morning routine. It’s a daily practice for me to check in with my body and honor its daily needs, and during times of stress, it’s an accessible tool that enables me to safely navigate the rough waters of an emotion or memory. However, meditation can be challenging, particularly for trauma survivors.
If you experience triggers during a meditation practice, I recommend looking into trauma-informed meditation, which is a mindfulness and breathing practice created with trauma survivors’ needs and triggers in mind. A fantastic resource for this is David A. Treleaven, Ph.D.’s book Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness: Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing10. He also hosts a trauma-informed mindfulness podcast that is available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and other platforms.
Yamasaki suggests reciting a mantra and practicing the inspired breathwork she teaches her students. “An instruction I always share in my trauma-informed yoga classes is, ‘You might experiment with resting a palm on your heart and a palm on your belly.’ If it feels comfortable, experiment with turning up the volume of your heart and turning down the volume of your thoughts.'” Concentrate on your heart’s beat and the rhythm of your breath. If focusing on physical sensations makes you feel uneasy, recall a memory that brings you comfort and joy.
To that end, it is acceptable to adapt your meditation practice to your specific needs, such as keeping your eyes open, moving around the room, stretching your body, or playing your favorite song in the background. Additional grounding techniques include deep breathing, drinking a glass of cool water, going outside, or relaxing your muscles starting at the top and working your way down.
3. Get out of bed if you are still unable to sleep after 20 minutes.
We’ve all been there, staring at the ticking clock with no sign of sleep in sight. Whether it’s insomnia or intrusive thoughts, sometimes the best course of action is to simply walk away. “If you are unable to sleep after twenty minutes of meditation, rise from your bed and read in a dimly lit room. When you feel sleepy, return to bed, “Dr. Dimitriu advises. “Avoid becoming stressed, obsessing over the clock, or tossing and turning in bed. “Either meditate or get up and reset,” he advises.
4. Improve the serenity of your bedroom.
Additionally, it can be extremely beneficial to assess how your bedroom makes you feel, removing any potentially triggering items and adding new elements that promote deeper relaxation, such as plants, art, twinkle lights, a white noise machine, or black-out curtains. “Construct your bedroom in such a way that it is a secure, cozy space. If your bedroom serves as a trigger for trauma-related memories, Rebecca Robbins11, Ph.D., M.S., an instructor in medicine at Harvard Medical School and an Associate Scientist at Brigham & Women’s Hospital.
Personally, investing in some extra-comfy bedding has made my bed feel cozier and more inviting, and, while seemingly insignificant, the addition of a Batman nightlight that illuminated the bat signal on the ceiling provided me with a great deal of comfort. When I awoke fearful and upset from a nightmare, that light helped orient me back to my space and gave me something to focus on above while I calmed my breathing and fell back to sleep.
5. Recognize and incorporate other types of rest into your life.
While we typically associate rest with sleep, incorporating other forms of rest into your waking hours allows your nervous system to unwind and begin processing the day’s emotions and experiences long before your head hits the pillow. This may include deferring or canceling appointments during a difficult week, delegating tasks, taking a mental health day, or releasing the pressure to respond to everyone else’s sense of urgency.
“Healing is a process that takes time. It is not linear and requires perseverance, action, and abundant self-compassion, “Dr. Young explains.” “I encourage folx to experiment with new rituals for a few days to a week at a time, evaluate what works and what does not, and make necessary adjustments.”
After years of relying on hyperproductivity as a primary coping mechanism, it’s taken considerable effort to reach a point where I’m comfortable prioritizing my own rest. The irony of rest being hard work is not lost on me, but carving out that space for yourself is an act of resilience! And now that I possess it, I am fiercely protective of my time and mental capacity, as no one understands them better than I do. When I begin to feel anxious or overworked, I take a step back, take a break, go for a walk, cuddle my cats, drink a glass of water, and unplug from screens. By incorporating more breaks and time between commitments or activities into my day, I’ve discovered that I’m more present and calm during the day, which results in a more peaceful night’s sleep.
6. Make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist.
Having professional support to assist you in deconstructing your experience and identifying your triggers can be one of the most effective tools for healing your relationship with sleep. “While sleep and proper processing can both be beneficial in healing trauma, the pain can sometimes be too much to bear on your own. If what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked for the last one to two months, try something new: seek help, “Dr. Dimitriu advises. “The answer is not always to work harder or wait—there are times when we cannot help ourselves, and seeking assistance is an act of self-respect and compassion.”
7.Enroll in a yoga class that is trauma-informed.
Trauma-informed yoga is a practice that combines breathwork, yoga poses, and mantras to assist survivors in navigating the effects of trauma on their bodies, brains, and spirits. “Trauma-informed yoga and mindfulness practices are intended to empower students to liberate trapped psychological and physical energies and reconnect with their bodies,” explains Yamasaki, who trains trauma-informed yoga teachers worldwide. “The postures and breathwork of trauma-informed yoga have been thoughtfully designed to assist in uncovering trauma imprints, facilitating the healing process, balancing the nervous system optimally, and easing the grip that past trauma experiences may have on the heart.”
Students’ mat techniques can continue to benefit them long after they leave class, making these strategies valuable tools for those in-between moments when outside support is scarce—for example, at 3 a.m. following a terrifying nightmare. These classes are available for free and online through organizations such as Exhale to Inhale12, which has also partnered with community partners to provide in-person classes to those who may not have access to the internet. To find trauma-informed yoga classes and other healing resources in your community, The Breathe Network offers a sliding-scale database of practitioners.
8. Create a bedtime routine.
“Bedtime rituals may serve as a healthy diversion and may help minimize triggers by cultivating a new relationship with the concept of ‘night,'” Dr. Young explains. “I frequently invite people to consider developing bedtime rituals that foster a sense of calm and peace. This may include unplugging electronics/blue-light sources an hour before bed, taking a shower/bath, doing some light reading, and applying calming essential oils.”
I’ve attempted to keep my routine simple but consistent, beginning with a nightly shower at approximately the same time. Following that, I like to write out my to-do list for the following day, putting those swirling thoughts to rest, before giving the house a final tidying walk-through to ensure that everything is in order for the following day. As a reader, spending 30 minutes before bed immersed in a book signals to my brain that it’s time to sleep. While it may be tempting to simply copy another person’s nighttime routine step for step, it will benefit you and your healing significantly more if you take the time to create small rituals that are uniquely yours. Therefore, take the time to experiment with various habits and rituals to determine which ones benefit you and your sleep and which ones to abandon.
It’s taken a great deal of effort to get to the point where I look forward to tucking myself into bed. To be clear, my sleep is not ideal. I’m still a fairly active dreamer, frequently discovering that the small details of my day are given an entire film montage during the night. However, the days of constant “wake up gasping for air” nightmares have passed, and I now have a truly terrifying nightmare once every few months—if that.
If you’re just beginning the process of healing your sleeping relationship, be patient with yourself and your progress. And on those nights when you feel like throwing up your hands in defeat, remember this: You deserve healing, peace, and a good night’s sleep.