At some point in human history, sharing a bed with a romantic partner became the norm. It’s something that many of us simply do—whether we intend to or not. My husband and I have our own disagreements about sharing a bed: he claims that when I sleep, I emit heat, which makes him too hot at night. Few things irritate me more than the way he pulls the sheets from the end of the bed, destroying my neatly tucked-in corners.
Despite this, we continue to share the same bed. We’ve found solutions to the minor issues we face—the bed is large enough for him to move as far away from me as possible, and I’ve drawn a hard line in the sand stating that he can do whatever he wants with his side of the bed but cannot disturb my corner. However, many people face obstacles that prevent them from sleeping in the same bed as their partner, ranging from snoring and other health-related sleep issues to opposite work schedules and more. These types of things can significantly impair your ability to sleep well and, ultimately, make you resent your partner for preventing you from getting the sleep you require.
If this describes you, you are not alone. According to Ravi S. Aysola, M.D., assistant clinical professor of pulmonary, critical care, and sleep medicine at UCLA, this type of conflict between sleeping styles is “extremely common.” As a result, it’s common to feel completely alone in needing your space at night or in having difficulty peacefully sharing a bed, then waking up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to begin your day.
“While some people have no problem saying, ‘You get your sleep; I’ll get mine—no big deal,’ for others, it’s ingrained that this is part of intimacy and that a good relationship requires sharing a bed at night,” Dr. Aysola explains. With that in mind, here’s how experts recommend handling situations when you’re unable to sleep in the same bed as your partner.
1. Avoid blaming or criticizing the other person.
The fundamental principles of conflict resolution apply here: If you’re going to bring up your sleeping difficulties with your partner (or bring them up again), avoid using the word “you” because they can come across as critical or blaming even if that is not your intention, Mishay Butler-Ozore, LMFT, of Southern California. She suggests bringing up the issue in a gentler manner that avoids blaming. “Instead of using the pronoun ‘you,’ say, ‘I’m having difficulty sleeping and would appreciate it if we could figure out a way to improve our sleep,'” Butler-Ozore explains.
In general, she suggests approaching the conversation by stating your needs rather than blaming the other person. They’ll likely be more receptive because they won’t feel immediately compelled to defend themselves. This is especially true if the reason they interrupt your sleep is uncontrollable (e.g., they toss and turn). If they are already feeling bad about it, it is critical to approach them with empathy. Which leads us to…
2. Show compassion and empathy.
If you’re not sleeping well, chances are your partner isn’t either. If they snore or toss and turn all night, it’s likely they’re also getting a poor night’s sleep. “There must be some level of empathy for whatever the other person is doing to keep the other person awake,” Butler-Ozore observes.
She suggests expressing your concern. For instance, you could say, “I noticed you tossing and turning all night, and I’m guessing you’re not getting a restful night’s sleep.” Make the goal dual: you and your partner are both having trouble sleeping, and coming up with a solution will benefit everyone. Win-win.
To emphasize, keep in mind that it is most likely not their fault. (Unless, of course, it is and they refuse to change a controllable habit that is interfering with your sleep—in which case, you may have a legitimate reason to be angry.) “It’s critical to recognize that this is not something that anyone does on purpose, and thus should not be treated with contempt,” Butler-Ozore says. “Keep the issue at its core and avoid turning it into a personal battle.”
3. Investigate the source of the issue—and demonstrate your support along the way.
While non-health-related factors such as drastically different work schedules can disrupt sleep, Dr. Aysola notes that most often, when someone reports being unable to sleep with their partner, it is because their partner has a health-related sleep issue.
Snoring is, without a doubt, a significant one. “It is extremely common and has a significant impact,” Dr. Aysola says. “If your partner snores loudly and sounds as if they are choking every night, this may need to be addressed.” That is not merely an annoyance; it is a serious health concern that may indicate a form of sleep apnea, which occurs when a person repeatedly stops breathing while sleeping. Other sleep disorders that result in a person flailing around in bed (such as night terrors) must also be addressed.
Gently recommending to your partner that they undergo a sleep evaluation to determine how to resolve the issue can benefit both of you in the long run. Using language such as, “It’s extremely difficult for me to sleep, and I understand you can’t help it, but can we work together to find a way for both of us to sleep better at night?” can assist you in broaching the subject.
Your assistance may be more critical than you realize. “Spousal or partner support is critical for someone starting this to succeed,” Dr. Aysola says. Certain individuals, particularly those with sleep apnea, may be concerned about the appearance of a CPAP machine. (CPAP stands for continuous positive airway pressure; these wearable devices help treat sleep apnea by delivering oxygen throughout the night.) Knowing their partner is there for them and willing to work with them to find a solution can alleviate some of their anxiety. (CPAP machines, on the other hand, can be a source of noise disturbance on their own while you’re attempting to sleep—more on that in a moment.)
4. Be creative in developing your solution.
Perhaps you’ve heard of “sleep divorces” or the concept of sleeping apart from a romantic partner. It can extend to sleeping in completely separate rooms in its most extreme form. This is an excellent way to alleviate sleep disturbances, but not everyone has the option of sleeping in another bedroom (or wants to). Therefore, brainstorming small improvements to the situation while remaining in the same room can be an excellent option.
Dr. Aysola notes that simple fixes such as eye masks, earplugs, blackout curtains, and white noise machines can all help reduce the sensory stimulation that keeps you awake, whether it’s from a partner snoring, using a CPAP, or turning lights on at ungodly hours.
Additionally, you may need to be creative and explore alternative solutions. For instance, Butler-Ozore suggests staggering your bedtimes so that one person has a chance to fall asleep first. Depending on what keeps you awake, you might sleep in the same room but in separate beds. Perhaps having your own set of sheets and comforter resolves the issue if you continue to awaken each night as your partner unintentionally wrenches linens from your body.
5. If you must share a room, make time for intimacy before going to bed.
So you’ve exhausted all possible options and are still unable to sleep well with your partner. If the majority of your physical bonding occurs in bed—whether cuddling or having sex, at bedtime or in the morning—you’ll want to ensure that time together continues.
“If you choose to sleep apart, you must be more deliberate about scheduling time for closeness and even more deliberate about scheduling time for intimacy,” Butler-Ozore says. Perhaps this means that on certain days, you do share a bed. Or you lie in bed together and spend time engaging in physical intimacy and pillow talk, then part ways just as you’re about to fall asleep.
Dr. Aysola notes that it can be extremely difficult to break the association between sleep and intimacy. However, a lack of sleep can wreak havoc on a relationship. If you commit to collaborating to find a solution that meets both parties’ needs, your bond will be strengthened as a result.
Additionally, Butler-Ozore advises being receptive to renegotiating solutions: “If something does not work, it is acceptable to go back to the drawing board and try something else.” As with any other aspect of a relationship, open communication, compromise, and candor go a long way.